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COULD YOU REPEAT THAT PLEASE? The scientific establsihment was in uproar this week following pulication of a paper by Dr. Fohparr, the eminent Purpelworld Nuclear Physicist, detailing trials of a new interstellar communication method which utilises tachyons (particles which travel faster than light) as the carrier for communications over very large distances. Dr.Fohparr has been working under strict secrecy for some time now on the device, which would eliminate the problem of the immense time-lag of orthodox communication using electromagnetic radiation, or radio-waves, which can only travel at the speed of light. Thus, a ship a mere ten light years distance can only send and receive messages on a twenty-year interval (10 years to get there and 10 years for the reply), a fact largely ignored by popular science-fiction writers. Dr Fohparr and his research assistant Professer Geekbody have succeeded in sending transmissions using the device from a laboratory on Purpleworld to a research laboratory on the second moon, a distance of 458,000 phleem, or 540.000 earth miles. However, Dr. Fohparr admitted there had been "teething troubles", and when pressed, released the following transcript of the first test transmission to your intrepid correspondent: Prof. Geekbody: I beg your pardon? What was that about Killer Whelks from Phaart?" Dr. Fohparr: Killer Whelks from Phaart? KILLER WHELKS? Why in Hawkins’ name are you prattling on about Killer Whelks from Phart when we are trying to conduct a historic scientific experiment? Prof. Geekbody: But you did send the first message. And never mind me, are you O.K.? Dr. Fohparr: I beg your pardon. What the hell is going on? I thought we agreed that I would send the first transmission. You have jumped the gun, Geekbody, and what's more you appear to be talking utter bosons. Have you gone quite mad? Prof. Geekbody: Ah. That would explain it. In that case, we appear to be violating causality. And, since you ask, it’s 34 inches. Dr. Fohparr: Just a moment. I think I know what’s happening here. Due to the faster-than-light transmission, our respective communications are traveling back in time. So, I am actually receiving your responses to questions I have not yet asked. So - if I, for example was to ask you your inside leg measurement, your last statement would appear to make sense. Prof. Geekbody: Magentaville. Goodbye. Dr. Fohparr: Looks like it’s back to the drawing board, Geekbody. I suggest we curtail the experiment forthwith before we both go completely bonkers. See you next week at the conference in er…. Ah.
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MAN GROWS TOAD ON HIS HEAD Continuing in the scientific vein, your intrepid reporter can reveal that genetic experiments at the world-famous Phrankunstine Laboratory have resulted in the bizzarre incidence of a man growing a Giant Purple-Warted Swamp-Toad on his head. The man apparently wishes to remain anonymous but, your correspondent can reveal, was ginger-haired and strongly resembled a well-known Purpleworld radio disc-jockey and T.V. presenter. Scientists at the laboratory were puzzled, claiming that they were in fact following the lead of Earth scientists who had grown human ears on the backs of mice, and this was an entirely unexpected development.Your intrepid and highly gifted correspondent was able to interview the man in question. When asked how the incident had occurred, the man declined to comment, but the toad replied "Dont know really, it just started off as a boil on me a**e."
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