After monitoring your transmissions, we of Tharg are puzzled by you earthling's morbid fascination with television programmes where intellectually and ethically challenged representatives of your race are made to parade their inter-personal inadequacies and total lack of emotional and intellectual depth in front of the rest of you as a form of entertainment. I refer of course to such repulsive spectacles as "Springer", "Trisha", etc..We ourselves find such debacles profoundly disturbing. Is this evidence that your race is returning to the morality of the Colosseums of Rome where humans and other life-forms of your planet were systematically and publicly brutalised, also as a means of.entertainment? Or is it that in order to exalt your own egos you must first debase and and ridicule the egos of others; in terms of "transactional analysis" the "you're not O.K. therefore I am O.K. " philosophy - in which case, are you not in reality the Vampire creatures you pretend to fear and loathe, deriving your sustenanace by diminishing others?

Perhaps your evolution has reached it's zenith, and you are now devolving back into a more primitive form.

In which case, we feel it only fair to warn you that we may consider it necessary to arrange yet another massive asteroid impact.

Zogg of Tharg.

My dear Zogg of Tharg,

What can I say?....one to beam up, please.

Baz

Dear Baz,

Please could someone explain the point of golf to me. As far as I can see it is merely (as I believe someone once described) trying to get a small ball into distant holes with instruments totally unsuitable for that purpose. As for watching it, I would rather shave my head with a cheese-grater whilst chewing on tin-foil and wearing industrial strength bulldog clips on my nipples. Small wonder this futile, elitist and over-hyped eandeavour is so popular in the USA. I vote that we change the rules to state that it must be played underwater.

In winter.

Without breathing apparatus.

M. James, Widdecombe.

Well, M. James, I agree with you about golf but I won't hear a bad word said about our American Buddies. Why, if it wasn't for them single-handedly winning the Second World War for us poor brits, we'd all be speaking German now, and enduring the tribulations of being the economic power-house of Europe. Who can forget the USA's timely capture of the enigma machine with which their brilliant scientists subsequently cracked the enigma code? Not only that, but it's a little known fact (outside the USA that is), that if it wasn't for the swift intervention of the Americans, we'd have lost at Waterloo as well.. ..AND Agincourt. So there.

Baz

According to various "masters", we are repeatedly reincarnated in various lives until we renounce the world and all it's trappings and, through meditation and spiritual understanding, merge back into the Supreme Being which some call God, whence we all originally came in the first place.Then, presumably, the whole thing starts all over again.

I have only one question:.

The point of all this is what, exactly?

Answer me that, oh great Rolex-wearing, first-class-air-passenger-travelling "Masters".

C. Gitting, Surrey.

Baz

The other day on T.V. there was this programme where some 16 year-old little git from Manchester who had the face of a mudskipper and the personality of a glass of water claimed to have had sex with over 200 girls.

Yeah, right.

Course you have, mate.

Oy, T.V. producers - if I want to listen to the deluded egotism of sad dick-heads, I only have to walk into the local pub. If you're stuck for a programme, why not save some money and put something more entertaining on instead - like the test card.

Ivor Twelvincher; Oldham.

Don't know whether you've noticed this before, "Ivor", but there's this thing on your remote control called the "off" switch. Try using it now and again.

Baz; AKA Ivan Evenbiggerone